| "When a woman
is disengaging from a relationship, she is often unclear about her
family's boundaries. Is her partner in or out of her life? A woman's
spouse may be physically in the home but psychologically unavailable.
He's not caring for the kids or being a loving partner.
"Or she may have physically left him but still be
psychologically connected. She misses him, and for the sake of her
children, she'd like for her family to be together again," said Jennifer
Hardesty, a U of I assistant professor of human and community
development.
"We could see this struggle clearly in the pictures
women drew of their families at different points in the process of
leaving. It's a confusing time. The boundaries are ambiguous,"" she
said.
"It's not unlike the experience of having a child
leave for college," she noted. "Your child isn't living at home, but
you're still very connected to them emotionally. Yet, when they come
home for visits, they may pay little attention to you while they make
the rounds of their friends. It's always hard to figure out what the new
boundaries are as you move into a new stage of life."
The article describes doctoral candidate Lyndal Khaw's
dissertation work, unique in integrating boundary ambiguity into
Prochaska and DiClemente's Stages of Change model. Khaw has applied the
model to 25 abused women from varied backgrounds, identifying boundary
ambiguity within the five stages of the process of leaving.
"In the first two stages, women begin to disconnect
emotionally from their relationships. You hear them say things like, I
started not to care for him anymore," Khaw said
Stage 3 is often marked by a pileup of abusive
episodes and noticeable effects of the violence on their children.
"Women make preparations to leave, such as finding a place to stay or
secretly saving up money. This stage is important for women as they
switch from thinking about leaving to actually doing something about
it," she said.
"Then, at Stage 4, when women take action, we see a
lot of what we call back and forthing because when women leave, the
emotions often come back. They need clarity. They want to be physically
and emotionally connected again," said Hardesty.
The last stage, maintenance, is achieved when women
have been gone for six months or more. "But even then they may have
boundary ambiguity if their ex-spouse won't let them go. With continued
contact through court-ordered child visitation, the potential for
ongoing abuse remains as well as continued confusion over the abuser's
role in the woman's life," she said.
In the past, Khaw and Hardesty have used the model to
focus on what individual women are going through. But applying boundary
ambiguity to the model gives a more complete picture of the process.
"Leaving a relationship is much more complex than just
deciding to change, and it involves more than a woman's prioritizing her
safety. Other actors are involved. The abuser makes decisions that
affect a woman's movement through the stages. And children can be a
powerful influence in motivating a woman to get out of a relationship
and in pulling her back in," Hardesty said.
It's important for social work professionals and
frustrated family and friends to understand the process of leaving,
Hardesty said.
"Often shelter workers focus on safety and tangible
needs such as a job and housing. They don't help women disentangle
themselves emotionally. But it's hard for women to get out of the
situation if they haven't resolved these relationship issues.
"Discouraged friends and family members have to learn
to view leaving as a process and realize that there's little they can
say to speed it along. It's important for them to reinforce the risks
the woman is facing by asking such questions as 'Has he become more
abusive? Does he have a gun?'
"When talking to an abused friend or family member,
you should always emphasize safety, but for your own sanity, you should
realize that leaving is a process and she has to work her way through it
herself," she said.
When women do finally achieve both physical and
emotional separation, research shows that they experience fewer health
problems and less depression, Hardesty said.
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